Ten Alternative Methods for Removing tami (On Jan's Planet)

One of the ways to live life with tami without going nuts is to visualize her departure. This is usually something that happens many times throughout the day. It's a constant way to make her (and her friends) feel unwelcome in the "condo" called Jan's liver.

The following removal methods are not restricted by time, space or reality:

1. The largest wave from hurricane Ike would sweep tami out-to-sea along with Dr. Ben's beach cabin.
2. I could remove my liver during pottery class and place it on the potters wheel. After centering on the wheel, I'd use my hook to scrape tami's fat ass off my liver. Of course, my liver would be replaced after I smooth any rough edges with my sponge. tami and team would be fired in the kiln and turned into an ash tray or a toothpick holder.
   
3. D'Lisa could shoot tami off my liver with her deer rifle. Yes, this is tricky but, she could do this without ever harming me. After retrieving the tumor, she and Mark would have tami stuffed and mounted for the deer camp. tami would stay there for eternity collecting dust, cigarette butts, beer caps, etc. (Please note, before and during the time of removal there would be no drinking by the shooter.)
4. Dennis Quaid would travel to the tumor site in that tiny spaceship he used in Innerspace (1987). Cory, Sam and Luke would go along with him as backup support with the swords and Ben 10 watches they use on everything else that moves. Once inside, they could successfully use all tools necessary to remove and obliterate all tumors. When finished, they'd come back home to a Happy Meal, complete with chocolate shake and toy suprise as a reward for the hard work.
5. A new televisions series on JBO (Jan's Box Office) with a hot tampire named Bill as the main character. However, this tampire doesn't feed on blood as vampires do, but on tumors. I play the sassy, southern waitress (tampire banger) Bill seduces and feeds off of. After months of crazy tampire antics, tami and her friends are removed and... I'll work this one out offline.
6. I'd beat the shit out of tami in a Phase Ten tournament. The winner (me) would leave the table with a clean, tumor-free liver and a clever tee-shirt.
7. Elise and Susan decide to try removing tami with shuffleboard weights after a night of karaoke and drinking at Lovett's in Port Aransas. tami and I are situated at the other end of the table and the removal process begins. Both ladies consider themselves to be experts at shuffleboard and karaoke after a few drinks. It could work.
8. Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble would use those big clubs on tami and smash her to a pulp. Then Fred would effortlessly peel her away and sling her into a new century. Preferrably not this one.
9. The alien spaceship that will be coming down to collect Dubya will also pick up their missing tumors, including tami and friends, before returning to the Mother Planet forever. Their planet will give them all the love and compassion they need so they no longer have to try to find it here.
10. No explanation needed.

Seriously, all is well. I've had a sinus infection this week, but should feel better any day now. I'm excited and very ready to head back to Houston for my first dose of Avastin next week. I'll take this drug by infusion rather than in pill form like the Rad001. I feel really good about this protocol and I'm putting all my positive energy into helping it work. Thanks for your prayers, kind wishes and for checking in.

punches, jan

PS. Remember to vote.

The Silver Bullet

I thought I'd use an actual photo of a silver bullet rather than the Coors Lite Silver Bullet, but the ones I found looked too phallic and weird. So you get the idea. And trust when I say it pains me to use the word "phallic" in a blog.

I started the study last Wednesday. http://utm-ext01a.mdacc.tmc.edu/dept/prot/clinicaltrialswp.nsf/Index/2006-0954 Let's call it the Tumor Eviction Project. (Or something else clever if I can think of it.) The first drug is Rad001 (Everolimus). I take this drug (in pill form) daily. Later in the month I'll add a drug called Avastin (intravenous). During my visit to MD Anderson, I was scheduled for a CT scan sans barium. CT scan with a twist. The twist was to drink a huge amount of water, as much as I could stand. I was given an IV for iodine and whisked away to the scan tube. The researcher studying tami explained that she'd be observing the blood flow in the tumor in addition to making scans. She also explained how I needed to breathe and that I'd feel a little sting at the site of the IV when the iodine was released. What she meant to say was, “Unlike the other CT scans you've had Miss Kiker, when the iodine is released, your arm is going to feel like it is going to explode. Just ignore it. Perfectly fine.” And I did.

After the scans and blood tests, I met with RN (Research Nurse) Melissa. She's very cool and got me started on the study. She also gave me a home test to turn back in when I visit on October 29. It's like college except the home test is a 24-hour urine test. So maybe not so much like college. If you see me walking (which you will not) around with a large orange jug, don't stop me and don't ask.

I also met with Dr. F. to discuss the scan results from the previous visit and then we were on our way back to Austin. I check in regularly with Melissa and keep a journal of information to turn in every 21 days. I'll keep you posted if anything exciting happens.

punch, jan